The banning of sex in marriage is a serious problem. Anonymous words it this way:
“For some reason, the way my psychology works is that I get demoralized when I’m refused, and feel discouraged from asking later, even though she might say ‘yes’. It’s hard for me to not take it personally when I get rebuffed. It makes me feel like she’s dominant in the relationship if she’s in a position to choose when we have sex.”
A sexless marriage is a marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses. The US National Health and Social Life Survey in 1994 [6] found that two percent of the married respondents reported no sexual intimacy in the past year. [2] Yet, they remain married. Those scientists in white coats estimate that fifteen to twenty percent of couples have sex less than ten times a year, which is their definition of a ‘sexless marriage’. Most people simply suffer the situation in silence.
Ozaki, 45: “After my wife gave birth, we stopped having sex and I felt a deep sense of loneliness.”
Just as she has a right not to have sex, he has a right to be upset about it. A dead bedroom is a one-way ticket to divorce. The pitfalls of marriage are real.
First Man: “I have had a sexless marriage for over two years. There is now no intimacy. I just hope no one has to go through what I am going through.” [3]
Second Man: “We last had sex four and a half years ago. My early efforts to initiate sex were unsuccessful; if anything, they made things worse, as I invariably felt rejected.” [5]
Third Man: “They’re married, he’s not dating her. Sex is a part of marriage. This is not about entitlement. He obviously wants to remain faithful, otherwise, I’m sure he would’ve gotten off elsewhere.”
Fourth Man: “How do you know how someone is going to be 5-10 years down the road? You don’t. My wife and I fucked like jack rabbits in college and now I get excuses similar to the ones on this spreadsheet. It happens.”
Fifth man: “Just because it was fine before the marriage started, doesn’t mean it will be after.”
Sixth Man: “Three strikes rule, get knocked back three times in a row is fair play to play away.”
Seventh Man: “The wife making those lame excuses ... is probably making the husband’s self-worth and confidence go down after each rejection.”
Eighth Man: “Once a week would be decent, two or three times a week is more realistic and healthy, in my opinion.”
Ninth Man: “Also, the wife isn’t exactly guilt-free here. Three times in seven weeks is pathetic and so are most of her excuses.”
Tenth Man: “I had a similar conversation with my wife about the lack of intimacy. After our third argument about me “exaggerating” the lack of sex. I went a little childish and filled a fridge calendar with happy faces for sex and frowny faces for not. After she saw four months of frowny faces things did change a little.”
Eleventh Man: “I go three days without sex and I’m like: “What’s happening to this marriage?!?” Can’t imagine seven weeks. That should be sending off HUGE red flags.”
Twelfth Man: “That’s just wrong and I understand his desperation.”
Thirteenth Man: “I can safely say the lack of sex in my marriage was entirely my ex-wife’s fault. She gave me numerous excuses throughout.”
Fourteenth Man: “I don’t want to get married because all my friends that do, never get to sleep with their wives anymore.”
Fifteenth Man: “And what happens when the other person doesn’t want it, ever? My wife is pretty much asexual, sex does nothing for her.
I don’t have a normal sex life, hell, I don’t have a sex life. We’ve talked about it, she’s told me she’d be okay with me having a fwb (‘friends with benefits’ [Friends with whom you have sex on a regular basis. Also called a ‘fuck-buddy’.]) (can’t due to me being in the military). We get divorced, I wouldn’t be able to see my son (and I’ve already missed too much of his life due to deployments).
We’re talking maybe once every six months (if that) and it’ll be totally vapid since there’s a huge lack of interest on her part (having your partner tell you to hurry up sucks).” [4]
Sixteenth Man: “It is true men don’t want to commit, but its also true women don’t follow on their commitments.”
When a wife has had three children, the man is prone to say: “Well, she has had three children. I have children to bring up. I have to put up with this shit.” A male’s sense of virility is linked to his ability to service females and the female desire for his servicing. Thus males and females in this bind tend not to broadcast the issue. Most people suffer in silence and often for a long time. It is not just the lack of sex, it is also the knowledge of being undesired coupled with a lack of intimacy. It is not just a male complaint. There are sex-starved wives as well. Sex therapist Bettina Arndt says that there is a ‘significant’ number of sexually frustrated women, but tells us that their numbers are dwarfed by the much larger number of sex-starved men across Australia.
The reasons can be various and include: emotional disconnection, resentment, relationship differences, stress, depression, sexual boredom, work constraints, exhaustion, fear of criticism. There can also be a drop in libido which can be caused by anti-depressant medicine, alcohol, and drugs. [7]
My concern revolves around the comment: “Men suffer in silence.” If this information gets widely spread, marriage will become even less attractive to young males. At present, young males hear that older males are being ‘done over’ by middle age women. Although there is a justice issue here, I am also concerned that this makes marriage very unattractive to young males. Girls regularly tell me that they cannot fine males prepared to commit. Many tell me that they cannot find boyfriends. The other day, one said that she was twenty-five and had never had a boyfriend. For this reason alone, a solution to sex starvation in marriage is needed. Persuasion is better than force. A reinstatement of the rules for conjugal relations is one solution. Another tactic might be to teach the man how to raise the woman ‘to another level’ so that the woman is keen to participate. The tactic appears to be for the male to give the girl a finger massage in the form of caresses excluding the sexual areas. The male tends to think the only erogenous zones are the sexual zones, but this is wrong thinking. The girl can be driven wild by hand and finger caresses to her back, arms, torso, and legs. It is the loving touch that is the key to intimacy. Porn has taught males inappropriate lessons on sexual activity and on female sexuality. What the males see in pornography is not real life. The internet becomes a source of ideas for sex positions with girlfriends, but it tends to suggest that the woman prefers more aggressive males and that women enjoy giving blow-jobs and receiving anal sex. It also gives them performance anxiety. If the young male can’t match the male in porn, will she continue to like him? For the male, it is necessary for him to mentally turn the girl on. He needs to be trained not to start on the vagina too soon. Stimulation is a procedure where it is necessary to interpret the partner’s reaction and alter the activity based on feedback. This also means that the girl has to give feedback. So, it is necessary to give or exaggerate the feedback. This might be by body movement, gentle noises of altering the squeeze of a hand. If the girl lies like a sack of potatoes, he will progress to his satisfaction rather than hers. The vocal, visual, and non-verbal cues are important. They are your primary means of communication when in the bedroom. He needs to start with a light finger massage to arouse your sexual senses. The reptile might do this for prolonged times. It was probably what we did in our past. We would rub and caress until the partner was accepting. This may be preceded with ‘pillow talk’ to create an emotional connection. The man needs training in these things to ensure activity continues. Some might call it to tease the entire body while avoiding the hot spots. There is a need for him to take his time. He must learn to take time before he gets close to the hot spots.
Aaron: “My ex would constantly get mad if she felt offended or attacked in any way. She would rarely yell but instead, she would give you the silent treatment for up to months. I asked if she plucked her eyebrows once and boom, ignored, for asking a simple question.”
Calvin: “right after my ex-wife left me, I got with a woman simply to make up for the sex I didn’t have the last six months of my marriage.”
Kizzan: “Something to note is that the bible also says that neither the husband nor the wife (but in practical terms, mostly the wife) is not to deny their spouse sex anytime they ask for it except during times devoted to God and prayer. Neither spouse (but mostly the husband) is allowed to lust after other people. I think there are benefits for both parties. If both parties are following the bible, women are protected before marriage, men are guaranteed as much sex as they want after marriage and women are guaranteed commitment after marriage..” [1]
Cambridge English Dictionary defines Conjugal Rights as: the right to have sex with the person you are married to.
Merriam Webster defines Conjugal Rights as: the sexual rights or privileges implied by and involved in the marriage relationship: the right of sexual intercourse between husband and wife.
It is not unusual to find a spouse being denied the right. It is a topic that is not much talked about because it appears to be a private matter between the married couple. It is hardly the sort of topic that a male will discuss with other parties. The Bombay High Court held that denying intercourse to a spouse for a long period of time amounts to cruelty. The New Delhi High Court held that denying sex to one’s husband for a long time without any justification amounts to mental cruelty.
Here is a frightening headline:
“Wife pours hot water on husband for denying her sex for three weeks.” [8]
Here is a thinking blog entry about a newly-wed woman that denies sex to her husband:
“My Uncle had a mild argument with his new wife and ended up slapping her twice because she denied him sex yet again after severally months of denying him sex...” [8]
Replies include:
“If he starts to look outside, the woman ... cry ‘all men are dogs’.”
“It’s like she wants him to find sex elsewhere.”
“I still don’t understand why people marry.”
“Some women are wicked.”
“Another marriage gradually going down the drain courtesy of the stupidity of a woman.”
“Tell him to deny her upkeep and he should look for a tight pussy.”
“Hitting a woman for any reason is wrong, inappropriate and condemnable. Of course, I feel his pent-up frustration, being denied sex by your legally married wife is really gonna stretch the tolerance of even the Pope, especially if he isn’t getting it outside.” [9]
In answer to a question:
“Why do some married women enjoy their husband begging for sex?” [10]
Replies include:
“Some of them are sadist, just the thrill of seeing the man beg for this one thing they have control over.”
“But after tying the knot and become husband and wife, some women still expect their husband to beg for intimacy or uses sex as a bait to get something from the husband. Many women today still does not initiate sex even when they crave it.”
“Why then get married?”
“Over to the girls in the [brothel].”
“We make them understand their position before we marry them.”
“These ancestor species, Homo habilis, Homo erectus, and Homo ergastus exhibited some poignant trait of courtship rituals where the male begs and solves his need for intimacy...”
“Speechless, because I am still single...”
“I personally won’t beg my wife for sex. Her body is mine and so is mine hers. If she thinks she won’t give me sex, no biggie, I will simply get it outside, and I will still act the responsible man I am at home. I won’t hide the fact that am cheating from her though...she better [keep quiet] since she [doesn’t] give me [sex].”
“Your sex game is weak and she sees it like she is doing you a favor.”
“When a woman knows she has no other value and knows that she brings nothing to a relationship besides the hatchet wound between her legs, she will try to ration it or make it seem more expensive than it really is and make it seem like a big deal.”
“A couple of days ago, a male poster insisted he would die if he does not locate a brothel that very night.”
“Yes I enjoy to hear him whine and beg coz it turns me on.”
“Get a side chick or concubine... Then she would always be afraid. I have never begged for sex before and I will never beg for sex, any woman that want to use that as a bait is on her own.”
“The very moment a man lost control in a relationship with a woman, the man has directly or indirectly relinquish his leadership position in the affair and is bound to be suppressed by the woman.”
“My girl begs me for $ex because I satisfy her every time it happens. She drops up to five times and in most cases start begging me to stop that she does not want to release again ....”
“Companionship and procreation are the major reasons people marry, every other reason is secondary.”
“...just [how] ironic how sex [is] being hoarded in a marriage yet available at a whim outside marriage.”
“This is what makes some married men start chasing those small small unilag babes.”
“Making him grovel is just making it easier for him to do away with any ethics he had, and believe me, they crumble pretty fast.”
“I made advances and she decides to be uptight, she’ll be the one begging for it for the rest of her life.”
“Some women actually get turned on by the touching and teasing and begging by the time they get to the main thing the flood gates be that and some will remain as dry as a dessert if he does not start off with the begging and teasing. That’s what some people fail to understand. With some women its not about starving her husband but the thrill she gets from him chasing after her.”
“Because Christianity came and brainwashed us into one man, one wife.”
“Sex is something that binds the both party and it shows they still tolerating each others bullshit....sex is very important in any union...if you having a problem with your partner n go for marriage counselling, the first thing the counsellor will ask you is if you are still sleeping with your husband (making love). If yes, then your problem is a minor one.” [10]
Vox Day bravely states:
“The concept of marital rape is not merely an oxymoron, it is an attack on the institution of marriage, on the concept of objective law, and indeed, on the core foundation of human civilization itself.”
Marriage is an contract where each partner wishes to sharing their life with the other partner. There is an expectation of having regular sex with this partner. A sexual contract is a sexual contract. There will be many activities where one partner is less than enthusiastic. This might include a visit to the shops or to a sporting event or to a boring sister’s birthday. Sex can come into this category on occasions, but one makes the best of it or improves the situation. Force or unreasonable coertion is not acceptable but does not compare to a knife wielding psychopath in the local park. Where have we lost the understanding that marriage was an agreement to have regular sex with each other? If there is violence, we have a crime of violence but not rape. So many woman tell me they cannot find men to marry them. We do not want to make the situation worse by criminalising that which is natural — sex between a husband and wife.
An Indian judge recently ruled that marital sex, “even if forcible, is not rape,” thus upholding a section of the Indian Penal Code that refuses to acknowledge marital rape as rape.[1] We are struggling with the definition of rape. And don’t forget that if we make life impossible for males, marriage is going to become somewhat unpopular with men and they will stick to casual sex on dating sites, prostitutes, and masturbation to porn. Section 375 if the Indian Penal Code states that it is not a rape if it is intercourse between a husband and a wife, when the wife is not younger than fifteen years. The reasoning is that the nature of marriage is a type of contract where there is presumed consent. Although, this does not give a man a license to rape your wife for the violence would fall under abuse and loss of liberty. However, if it is common to state ‘no sex before marriage’, one can assume that there will be sex after marriage. Marriage is, amongst other things, an arrangement where the two can have sex with the full support of family, friends, church, and the clumsy state. In fact, there would be some questions asked if sex did not occur in the initial stages of the marriage. It would be later on that one partner might become reluctant. Sir Matthew Hale, Chief Justice of England during 1600s said “the husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract, the wife hath given herself in kind to the husband whom she cannot retract.” You may not like the wording, but what man would marry a woman if he could not fuck her. What woman would marry a male if she though he was not enthusiastic about fucking her.
This author at Yuga Parivartan has a straight forward view:
“What is marriage? Marriage is the union of man and a woman in a society such that both pledge exclusivity of sexual relations to each other so that they can raise their kids in a stable environment. The exclusivity of sexual relationship is the reason why the society views adultery as a crime and makes it punishable as a criminal offence, since it involves breaking of the exclusivity pledged in the marriage. So, marriage by virtue of the exclusivity of sex it pledges to the marital partners, is implied consent for sex, since if such implied consent is not there, there is no meaning to the exclusivity of sexual relationship between husband and wife, as either one can deny sex to the other without any valid reason and deprive the other of a basic human need. So the very term martial rape is an oxymoron. Both cannot go hand in hand.” [YugaParivartan]
Is it to the benefit of society and women to consider marital rape to be on par stranger rape? When martial rape is recognised, every husband has to be weary of being accused of rape by their wives may need to consider obtaining a written consent form before sex like a child has to get a parental consent for school outings.This damages the bonding in marriage and makes marriage less palatable to young males. It will damage the trust needed for a marriage success. Divorce rates will rise as will the number of fatherless children. Any woman wishing to keep a marriage intact will not use such a law if he takes his conjugal rights on a day that she is not interested. The law will only be used by women wishing for separation whence it will become another avenue for vindictive women to extract revenge. Forced sex with a partner is not acceptable, but it is not on par with a rape of a young girl at knife point in Central Park. Neither is it acceptable to withhold sex that was part of the general concept of marriage. In this case, the raped partner was not an angel when she banned sex for the night, week, month, year, or twenty years as one male testified. It is yet one of those laws that does not benefit the class it is supposed to assist. There will be a reduced number of males prepared to marry on this basis. This will also affect sons and grandsons of females. A few weeks ago a nice lady was clearly affected by her son’s family court case as he was treated by the judiciary on the basis of guilty before innocence. We are creating a situation where men will opt-out of the institution of marriage. As parents, we will have to contend with daughters and grand daughters unable to find husbands or tolerating their single mother status whilst they live lonely lives as crazy cat ladies. Broken marriages led to misery whilst creating a crime ridden society.
‘A Voice for Men’ expresses an opinion that:
“Marriage is a licence for sex. A woman who does not want to have sex with her husband should separate from him and file for divorce.”
A husband should be held guilty for assaulting his wife, but he is not guilty taking her sexually. He already has a claim to his wife’s sexuality by virtue of marriage. He cannot violate here sexually when he already has the right to sex with her. His claim to sesual relations must be carried out with complete dignity but the right to sex is beyond doubt. In the reverse, to deny sex is ‘Sexual Cruelty’. In an interesting twist on the logic, we may be condoning ‘Sexual Cruelty’, then and punishing the victim of ‘Sexual Cruelty’. In the hardened language of the MRAs:
“to further incentivize hypergamy and AF/BB (Alpha Fucks, Beta Bucks) behavior. She is to be left free to not fuck you but fuck others, while you are left to masturbate and to give her an allowance for being a slut.”
When a couple are married, sex is not a crime. However, forcing the other partner to have sex is a crime. Treating the topic in a harsh manner is a massive disincentive to marriage.
This is a tricky thing to write so I will directly source from Islamic texts, although it is difficult to know what occurs in practice:
“I’m adding this post to the abusive women who deny their husbands basic right, then troubles start between the spouses and no one looks at the basic source of the trouble, that the ‘abusive’ woman abuses her husband by denying him his very basic right which Allah permitted marriage for, beside being one of Al-Kabae’r (biggest sins), that act of denying his right also pushes him to fitnah and starts trouble which may ruin the house, wish those ‘abusive’ women try to change their perception and understand that it’s one of their duties to fulfill the other party’s need in that matter, it’s his right.
May Allah guide us all.” [10]
Another quoted passage:
“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses [and does not come], and he spends the night angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’ ” [10]
‘Bed’ is a metaphor for ‘intercourse’. Metaphors are used in the Qur’aan and Sunnah to refer to things about which people usually feel shy.
Does it include daytime too? The answer may be found in a hadeeth narrated by Muslim:
“By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, but the One Who is above the heavens [i.e. Allaah] will be angry with her, until he (her husband) is pleased with her.” [11]
Ibn Khuzaymah and Ibn Hibbaan report a hadeeth narrated by Jaabir:
“There are three whose prayers will not be accepted and none of whose good deeds will ascend to heaven: a runaway slave, until he returns to his master; a drunken man until he becomes sober; and a woman with whom her husband is angry, until he is pleased with her.”; [11]
These are general terms, which include both night and day.; [11]
Elsewhere:
The hadeeth also directs a wife to help her husband and seek his satisfaction, because a man is less patient than a woman when it comes to doing without intercourse. The most disturbing thing for a man is his sexual impulse, so Islam urges women to help their husbands in this regard. ...
Whether the husband wants to discipline his wife, or forgive her, or take another wife, or divorce her, this is all up to him to choose. Let the woman beware of incurring her husband’s wrath because this will lead to Allaah’s being angry with her.; [11]
From another Source; [12]:
Islam does not allow the wife to deny intercourse to the husband. Sexual satisfaction is one of the rights of the husband in Islam. [12]
From yet another Source; [12]:
Islam does not allow the wife to deny intercourse to the husband. Sexual satisfaction is one of the rights of the husband in Islam. In fact, the actual marriage contract is made in that way. The husband has to mainly provide financially and the wife has to provide obedience and sex. Hamza Yusuf in the popular Rights and Responsibilities of Marriage series states the same. [12]
In fact the Quran states that once you have intercourse with the wife, you cannot take back your dower (maher in arabic) because you have gone into her. This is another example that underscores that in Islam, you are making a contract for sexual exclusivity with a woman in exchange for taking care of her financially. Of course there is more to the contract than that, but MAINLY its financial for the man, and sexual for the woman. [12]
There is no hadith saying the same for men. That is some really strong language. I wonder if a husband does the same and refuse sex to his wife (and they do...) do the angels curse them too? Probably not. Angels curse wives only, not husbands. [12]
Not to mention, one of the punishments that husbands can use if they suspect their wife for disobedience, is to deny them sex as stated in the Quran:
“Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance — [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.” [Quran 4:34]
The wife cannot under any circumstance deny the husband sex or she will be sinful. The reason we were given for this is that men’s marital rights must be fulfilled so they don’t go out and cheat. Men are highly sexual creatures, but I would argue so are women! Both the husband and wife should not be denied sex. Coming from a 7th century view of the world where the man is the most important one, Islam caters to his needs. [12] In the Quran it says:
“Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear nushooz (arrogance) — [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.” [Quran 4:34]
Interesting that he just has to fear nushooz (defined as disobedience), he is allowed to give up having sex with her, and can even hit her. There is no such recourse for women, if they consider the husband is being unfaithful. Seems rather unfair, doesn’t it? God seems to love men a lot more than women. Or maybe women are considered cattle to him to be used for sexual pleasure only? [12]
Not to mention, a man is allowed to have multiple wives, but a woman cannot do the same (multiple husbands). [12]